And so dear ladies and gentlemen, this Lifetime’s Worst Ever Movie Award goes to Ram Gopal Varma ki Aag, widely reported to be a remake of Sholay Jo Bhadke. The jury was unanimous in awarding it all its topis.. trophies.. whatever.

So imagine, it is my privilege to call upon G P, Sasha, Ramesh and Kiran Sippy to hand over the topi to the producer-director who has literally opened up a can of Varmas. The Worst Film topi has been bagged hands and legs down by RGV who has made a mockery of a classic. May we request all the Misters Sippy to refrain from violence please?

Varma receives his topi and states, “In my very original film, the drunken scene, the propose-to-the-mother-in-law comedy business, heroes called Heero and Zeero, a widow and a chatterbox chulbulli are merely coincidental. I pay tributes to Coppolaji also. If Heero and all have irritated you, I promise to irritate you much more next time. Thanks.”

Wait, do say something about your Worst Director Award. Varma reads from a dialogue chit, “Direction – what, where, when? I was just making ten other movies at the same time. Thanks.”

Huh? And the Worst Actor as well as the Worst Actor in a Negative Role Awards (so much confusion nowadays) goes out to Amitabh Bachchan for the hammiest, over-the-top, yucky delineation of Babban Gabban Singh. May I request my ENT specialist to hand over the topi? Doctor could you please inspect Mr Bachchan’s nose before you hand over the award?

ENT specialist does. The Worst Actor and Negative Role winner laughs, “Ha ha! That was just a Himesh Reshammiya touch. If I dug into my nostrils, it’s because I’m a director’s actor. He also told me to flick my tongue around when a rape scene was in progress. He told me to yell, sit as if all my limbs were in a kathak pose and behave like Jack Nicholson meets Johnny Lever. He also made me wear a potato gunny sack.. very hot it was.. prevented me from a haircut for 100 days.. and painted this little worm on my nose. I dedicate both these topis to him and Kaizaad Gustaad who got me going downhill with Boom.. or was it Jhoom Jhoom?”

Clap clap. The Worst Actress Award have been jointly grabbed by Sushmita Sen who wore hundred kilos of make-up for a suffering, widow’s look.. and to Nasha Kothari for wearing denim fig leaves for skirts. May they please hand over the Worst Awards to each other? Oh, only Miss Sen is here. Wonderful!